The Greatest Game No One's Played: Rogue Galaxy
by muffinmonkeys
Summary: A zany and oddball parody of the obscure game Rogue Galaxy, poking fun at all it's wonderfully terrible dialogue, characters, and story. Why do I love it so much? Rated M for crude humor and strong language
1. Chapter I: Departure

**After what I thought to be a personal success with my Kingdom Hearts comedy (I believe it currently has 33 views, half of which were me :O) I decided to continue with these odd comedies moving on to another favorite game of mine: Rogue Galaxy. I don't own Rogue Galaxy, this story was made for fans of the game who are familiar with the story (hence the lack of descriptions). Unlike "7 Days in Twilight Town" this story will cover the full game chapter by chapter. But enough of that, enjoy:**

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**Da Rogue Galaxy**

"CHAPTER 1: Departure" In a distant galaxy there was a war between two particularly grumpy groups of people known as the Draxians and the Longardians. The Longardians took over some boring planet named Rosa and made the people there slaves or something. The slave like people then worked for the Longardians riding on goat/llamas collecting chickens in the desert.

Jaster: Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm Jaster Rogue by the way; hence the title, Rogue Galaxy… or maybe it's about actual Rogues… Are rogues the same thing as pirates? I don't know. Seeing as you're definitely going to be playing this game for a while, you're probably going to want to know my backstory right?

Gamer: You tell me.

Jaster: Basically, I've always wanted to go into outer space, and thanks to the Longardians that dream is even farther away than it was before. You can bet that I'm a little less than fond of them.

Soldier: Not true, that's not your character at all. You're basically an emotionless blond haired stereotypical do-gooder; how much do you wanna bet you'll leave this planet without even touching us?

Jaster: And who's the main character here?

Soldier: Shut up.

Jaster: That's right, now I'm off to go vent my frustration to my old reverend foster father!

Raul: Don't expect any benevolence from me Jaster, whoops, no pun intended.

Jaster: Hey Raul, those Longardians are… "getting to big for their britches"? Oh god… this script isn't going to be filled with hundreds of cliché and over said sayings like that is it? As if I don't hear them enough in every other JRPG out there.

Raul: Yeah, translations a drag ain't it? But the Longardians aren't all bad, they do keep all the beasts out of the town.

Jaster: OH WELL THANK GOD FOR THAT! I don't know how we'd ever get by against these puny level -20 skeleton monsters! Look, I think one just killed ITSELF.

MEANWHILE…

Simon: Y' sure he's in this backwards bumpkin town?

Steve: As sure as you're accent is ridicules Simon, he's here.

Simon: Ridicules? You're names Steve! Who names a robot Steve?

Steve: Well what kind of name is Simon for a…uh… what the heck are you anyway?

Simon: Isn't it obvious? I'm clearly an armadillo.

Steve: Getting back to the subject, Desert Claw is most certainly on this planet.

Simon: Desert Claw… He's one o' the galaxy's top hunters. Y' ever seen the guy before?

Steve: Nope! Can you say exposition?

MEANWHILER…

Jaster: Besides the whole being enslaved thing, I suppose life is good not being mistaken for a famous bounty hunter!

Raul: That's an oddly specific feeling Jaster. Uh oh, did I just defend those Longardians? Looks like the crêpe's bout to hit the fan. And by crepe I mean giant flying fire breathing salamander.

Jaster: I GOT THIS!

Raul: Well there goes our stereotypical hero; wait, you're not serious are you?

Jaster: I'll behave!

Raul: What's that supposed to mean?

Baphu: GRAR!

Jaster: Wow, I'm surrounded, that sure was fast. Well, guess I'll just give up now.

? ?: *Kills Baphu* Seriously weak man.

Jaster: 0.O

? ?: I can tell by your emoticon you need some help.

Jaster: Those are sick goggles!

? ?: Yeah… well you wanna help me take down that monster? It's worth quite a few hunter points! Oh, and it'll probably kill everyone in the town if we don't.

Jaster: Where did you get that hood? It's awesome!

? ?: *sigh* Just follow me kid.

*After several easy battles*

Jaster: Wow you're pretty strong, you wouldn't happen to be some sort of galactic celebrity I'm oblivious to, would you?

? ?: Psssssshhh shaw! No! Definitely not!

Jaster: Cool

Simon: Ey' Steve, y' ever hear the one bout the sheep and the haggis?

Jaster: Hey look, it's C-3P0 and R2D2!

? ?: Woah there Skywalker, looks like the Falcon stops here.

Jaster: What? How am I supposed to fight that thing alone?

? ?: With a can of beer, several antelope, and a whole lot of butter. Trust me, I'm a professional. Oh, and this always helps *tosses Jaster a sword*

Jaster: Ooohh… Shiny.

? ?: And take this too.

Jaster: What is it?

? ?: It's called a Battle Recorder, it uh… records battles.

Jaster: So it's like a video camera?

? ?: No, it records all the footage of the battle for proof that you can turn in for hunter points along with containing other information about beasts to hunt.

Jaster: … So it's like a video camera?

? ?: See you later kid.

Jaster: Wow, way to leave me high and dry. I think I'm going to have to take my frustration out on these random giant guys.

Random Giant Guys: Huh? GWAH! *Gets dead*

Jaster: *admires sword* Me likey…

Simon: Wow, that was pretty impressive kid! I mean, nawt that I couldn't do it…

Steve: OH MY GOD!

Simon: What? What is it?

Steve: DEINEEDSCISSORSBALHDEBLAH!

Jaster and Simon: …

Steve: He's Desert Claw!

Simon: Oh dear, awl that Penzoil's gone t' his head.

Steve: No look! He's even got the Desert Seeker! Desert Claw's weapon.

Jaster: Oh crap.

Simon: Hah, Desert Seeker fer Desert Claw isn't that convenient! Well come on Mr. Claw let's be on our way! *grabs Jaster*

Jaster: W-wait a min-

Steve: Oh you're just going to love traveling with us! We'll sail through the stars and fight monsters and plunder villages and… fight monsters…

Jaster: Hold on I-

Simon: What the heck is a Desert Claw anyway? Or how about a Desert Seeker? Why would you want to seek out a desert? Don't you already live in one?

Jaster: Can I just say-

Simon and Steve: *singing* We were sailing aloooooong… on Moonlight Baaaaaay!

Jaster: **WAAAAAITTT!** I don't want to go with you, you're both ugly and smell like ordure. Oh… and I should probably kill that beast.

Simon: Fuh get abou it! Just leave it, I'm sure this will all blow over in a couple years or so…

Jaster: Won't people be killed?

Simon: Oh people die every day, that's what we have obituaries for!

Jaster: Well that's an awfully cheerful way of looking at it… But I can't it's just not in my hero nature.

Steve: Alright, we'll help, but then you're coming with us

Jaster: Woah there Kimosabe, where'd you get that idea?

Steve: LET'S GO!

Mark VIII Salamander: Roar-ish

Simon: Well E's a big fella now isn't e'? Y' know Mr. Claw, I think you forfeit any points you earn if you, er… die.

Jaster: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over how quickly I killed this boss.

Simon: uhhh… what?

Mark VIII Salamander: Ouch-ish

Steve: It's not dead yet Mr. Claw, you'll need to get up on its back and take out its heart.

Jaster: Well that's no problem, I'll just super jump like I did in the trailer! WHAT? It's not working! Why can't I jump that high?

Steve: Don't you just love video game physics?

Simon: Don't worry, just use my Monography shot, it can make platforms out o' thin air that y' can use t' scale anything!

Jaster: 0.O

Simon: What?

Jaster: Ok if that's true than I never want to hear anyone in this game say "oh we can't get around this" cause with that thing, you obviously could.

Mark VIII Salamander: Hey I'm still here-ish you know.

Jaster: Oh sorry, *kills*

Steve: Alright Mr. Claw! Now use the battle recorder to get those hunter points! Just go to a save point and you can turn in the points! The ranking system works like so…

Jaster: Oh yeah, thanks. Gee, I'm sure glad they didn't think that a famous hunter would already know all about how to use that…

? ?: Well shoooo, I've caused quite a mess now haven't I? Time to go off and be mysterious now!

Simon: So Mr. Claw, you got a real name or something? I doubt the first thing your momma said when you came out the womb was "Desert Claw"

Jaster: I'm Jaster Rogue.

Steve: Oh, is that a title reference? With a name like that you were literally born to be a pirate!

Jaster: Pirate? Uh oh, is this gonna be like one of those "quest for booty" movies ala "Treasure Planet"?

Simon: Well now that y' mention it, the likeness is uncanny…

Jaster: So who exactly are you guys anyway?

Simon: We're the ruthless and bloodthirsty space pirates of Captain Dorgengoa! Oh yeah, we're bad!

Jaster: I don't know Simon, something about you and Steve doesn't exactly strike of bloodthirsty…

Steve: And remember kids, It's not healthy to be a scardy cat! TaTa!

Simon: Aye…

Jaster: Hold the phone, did you say you were space pirates? As in… pirates of space?

Simon: *sarcasm* Nooo, we're just Closter-Phobic.

Jaster: Yeah well, I'm a fan of the whole space thing, so this might just work out after all.

Raul: You want to go into space? I know that has always been a dream of yours.

Jaster: Okay bye.

THE NEXT DAY…

Raul: Hold it kiddo, you can't leave without having another emotional moment, I mean at this point even I don't care about you, let alone the people playing the game

Gamers: Me want kill things now please

Raul: So let's get this over with.

Young Jaster: Hey Raul! I 1 2 go in 2 outer spaces can I plz?

Raul: Heeeeeell yeah!

Young Jaster: Woo Hoo!

Raul: Satisfied?

Gamers: *not paying attention* What?

Raul: Oh just go already, you crazy kid you.

Jaster: I'LL BE BACK.

Jaster is mistaken for legendary bounty hunter Desert Claw, which is quite odd seeing as everyone seems to know about him. Apparently in this galaxy there are no pictures of anyone. Jaster heads into the desert early in the morning to finally leave Rosa.

Jaster: I'm going into space… Woah, when I heard Dorgengoa was a space pirate I didn't actually think he flew a rickety old pirate ship. How is wood insulated for space travel?

Simon: How bout y' stop bein' a smart ass and board, aye?

Jaster: Right, time to leave.

Yaggo: I'MA SCARED.

Jaster: Why?

Giant Worm: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAARG

Jaster: Oh.

Yaggo: I'MA EATEN. *eaten by worm*

Jaster: You bastard! You ate my… uh… my ride! You ate my ride!

Giant Worm: And what are you going to do about that?

Jaster: Super jump attack!

Giant Worm: What the hell. How'd you do that?

Jaster: Don't worry; if video game logic holds out, I'll never be able to do it again.

Simon: Jaster stop playin' in the sand an' get up here before-

*Gondola lifts away, ship's anchors are weighed and it floats off*

Simon: …That… but hey! You'll now be a part o' the great circle o' large things eating smaller things! Enjoy!

Jaster: FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Kisala: Grab on if you want to live!

Jaster: Let's see… hot girl on a flying bike, or giant man eating worms… no objections here.

? ?: And so it begins…

Giant Worm: Awwwww... our food got away... Hey! Let's get that hooded guy!

? ?: Oh shit!

**END CHAPTER 1**

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**Alright, hopefully one of the twenty people who have played Rogue Galaxy will read this and leave a review with feedback, and hey! That person could be you!**


	2. Chapter II: The Jungle Planet

**CHAPTER 2: The Jungle Planet**

Simon: You're alive? I mean… Jaster! Welcome aboard!

Steve: We were going to come back for you! Really! This ship is just a pain to turn around, plus we wanted to avoid using illegal U-Turns…

Jaster: Yuh-huh, I should be mad but for some reason I'm not. Let's just cut the back stabbing from now on ok?

Simon: We're pirates, back-stabbing isn't personal, it's just our job.

Cutlar Beckett: It's just good business.

Simon: Oy! Get back to ya' own movie!

Jaster: By the way that girl back there-

Simon: That was quick! Her name's Kisala, horndog.

Jaster: Hey, I just wanted to thank her for not doing the back-stabbing thing.

Simon: O' please, this is a Japanese RPG. There is no such thing as friendship between main characters of opposing sex, only uncontrollable LOVE.

Jaster: Well damn, how horrible for me (YEEEEEESSSSSSHHHH!)

Simon: Don't let clichés fool ya', ya' don't have a chance. She's actually-

Jaster: The captain's daughter.

Steve: Umm… you weren't supposed to figure that out yet.

Jaster: Clichés, and since she's the daughter of the so called "King of Pirates" then that also makes her a princess of some sort.

?: Save room for one more cliché, the older lone wolf deep voiced badass guy with a big sword…

Jaster: Dorgengoa?

?: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jaster: I'm glad you find my curiosity amusing.

Steve: This is legendary hunter Zegram Ghart, also known as Black Wolf. He's a bounty hunter hand-picked by the boss just like you.

Jaster: But I'm more legendary right?

Steve: Of course

Jaster: Right then

Zegram: I heard Desert Claw was some fierce hunter, I didn't think he'd be some bleach blond young'in.

Moonsha: Desert Claw!

Jaster: Oh god, tell me that's not the cap-

Moonsha: I'm Moonsha first mate to Captain Dorgengoa and a puuuuurrrfectly groomed purebred. I have papers! I can prove it!

Jaster: Ok that's only slightly as annoying as it could have been.

Moonsha: So Desert Claw, are you ready to follow all orders, face certain death, life sentences, and scurvy all in the name of Dorgengoa?

Jaster: Ehh… maybe?

Moonsha: Good enough for me.

*Flashback*

Young Jaster: I want to go into space.

Raul: I don't.

Young Jaster: You're lame.

Raul: Ok.

*Flashback*

Jaster: So people care about my character now right? That must have sold them.

Moonsha: Your dream of going into space has come true, oh you're so deep. Anyway we need to head to Zerard and renew our galactic travel visa.

Jaster: Wow, even this futuristic society has driving laws. Don't forget to signal before you jump into hyper space.

Moonsha: I'm guessing you thought that was terribly clever?

Jaster: Clever is my second cousin's daughter's middle name. Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Steve: What do think of the ship Jaster?

Jaster: I think it's a miracle our brains aren't freezing right now. How in the hell did you get a rickety old wooden pirate ship to fly through space? And why is Dorgengoa scouting all these hunters?

Steve: Can two be considered "all these"? We just got you and Zegram.

Jaster: But why?

Simon: Uhh… Oh look! It's a pretty cloud o' space gas! Hey Jaster, want t' go stare at it?

Jaster: Hell yeah!

Kisala: Looks like we had a similar idea

Jaster: Thanks for saving me earlier, I had feeling the game wouldn't be ending that quickly.

Kisala: Don't worry, if anyone is killed off in this game I doubt it will be you, Mr. Main Character. Speaking of which, you sure aren't too imposing. I always thought Desert Claw would look a little manlier. You've got girly eyes.

Jaster: They're transplants!

Kisala: We're only two chapters into this story let's not be using other people's jokes, kay'?

Jaster: Got it. Sorry this whole space thing is new to me.

Kisala: You sure don't sound like the galaxy's top hunter. You're a fake aren't you?

Jaster: Damn, well that run was good while it lasted… what, five minutes?

Kisala: It's ok I don't care.

Jaster: Ah, must be that uncontrollable love thing…

Kisala: I'm Kisala

Jaster: Jaster

Kisala: Have you met Dorgengoa? He's my-

Jaster: Father?

Kisala: Cliché, I know.

Jaster: The lead female is always someone important's daughter or a princess.

***WHABAM***

Deviler: Oh how I hate ruining interesting conversations like this one. Can't be helped though, cause I'm a BEAST!

Jaster: Not as much as me though *kills Devilers*

Kisala: Let's get out of here!

Moonsha: How did we let beasts get so close?

Simon: Damn wooden rig! I knew that sundial sonar radar was a scam!

Steve: Everyone, I have an announcement. The ship is completely out of control and we are all going to die. Thank you for your time, if you need me I will be in the corner wetting myself.

Kisala: Do something Simon!

Simon: I'm giving it all she's got captain!

Jaster: Oh that is too perfect.

Simon: We're trapped in Juraika's gravity field!

Kisala: Don't worry! We'll make it!

Steve: Excellent Kisala! Let's try to keep everyone together so they don't despair in this impending doom!

Kisala: No we're really going to be ok!

Jaster: The ship's on fire now, just though I'd let you all know.

Kisala: NO!

Simon: *plays Taps on Trumpet*

Zegram: I'm way too badass to be scared by this, but I will grunt in annoyance *Grunts in annoyance*

Steve: And to my uncle Berry, I leave…

Moonsha: Yes, Allstate? Are we covered for this?

***CRASH!***

Jaster: We're alive? Wow, did not see that coming.

Simon: We're quite a ways off the paved road now kids, this is Juriaka the jungle planet.

Jaster: So this is Juraika… the jungle planet…

Simon: Uhh… yeah. Anyway the repairs on the ship should be no problem cept for that we're out o' fuel.

Jaster: Out of fuel, huh?

Steve: Oh no! This planet is completely uncivilized! We'll be stuck here forever!

Zegram: Conveniently enough, the booster oil is made from a fruit that grows here.

Jaster: So the booster oil is made from a fruit that grows here huh?

Zegram: Why is it you main characters repeat everything that is said? It's like you're just trying to make yourself sound smart.

Jaster: Ouch, no respect.

Kisala: We'll leave the repairs to Simon and Steve, let's get that fruit.

Zegram: Did we HAVE to land on such a sweltering planet?

Jaster: It's a jungle smart one, aren't you the cranky teenage type.

Zegram: *several annoyed grunts* Anyway, there should be plenty of fruit here but it looks to me like someone nabbed them all.

Kisala: Monkeys?

Jaster: Monkeys? Eating? RIDICULES.

Juraikan: *Very bad voice acted yelling*

Jaster: The hell?

Zegram: Ah, the natives are restless.

Kisala: Natives? Who are they?

Zegram: The Burkaqua, a group of very unfriendly people with **big** spears.

*spears fall in a circle around the group*

Jaster: This little venture isn't going to turn into Avatar is it? I'm sick of 3D.

Zegram: It's up to you Colonel Quaritch, do we high tail it?

Jaster: Onward!

Zegram: Wonderful idea, let's go TOWARDS the hostile locals.

Local: Hello there! Would you like to buy some items?

Jaster: These people sure are nice after just threatening to kill us.

Kisala: Not nice enough to move this giant statue apparently, we'll never get past this.

Jaster: Yes, since my super jump, Kisala's flying bike and Simon's monography shot apparently don't work.

Kisala: What about super strength?

Zegram: Please, who has super strength?

Filio: Hee hee hee hee…

Zegram: It's some creepy midget.

Filio: You see it as odd, but I'm the perfect height for getting a peek up lady's skirts. Speaking of which…

Kisala: Woah, back off playa.

Filio: This planet's underdeveloped blah blah blah kicked out for being smart blah blah blah have a power glove.

Jaster: Nice.

Kisala: That sure was lucky. Hey, this place looks like a D-Day replica.

Dario: **DARIO SMELL VIRGIN!**

Kisala: Ahh!

Zegram: Well whatya know, another perverted nerdy type.

Dario: Oh yeah, Filio, he's a weirdo.

Jaster: I'm guessing you have some sort of important tech for us too don'tcha?

Dario: You mean this? *holds up lit bomb*

Jaster: Huh?

Zegram: He's a terrorist!

Dario: What? I was just going to offer you this lollipop… wait… this isn't a lollipop… **WHAT THE FU- *EXPLODES* !**

Zegram: Ha ha… He died that's funny.

Dario: Ouch that hurt.

Zegram: Damn.

Dario: Fun stuff huh? I call it a "bomb". I'll patent it and sell it all over the galaxy…

Kisala: You're like, a billion years too late for that.

Dario: My work is ruined! Gah!

Zegram: I'm guessing the next bomb that goes off is going to be a real one.

Jaster: Well I'll just hold onto this *picks up bomb* it's an item, so IT WILL come in handy. *blows up rock*

Fabre: Hey there folks, wanna learn about the Insectron?

Jaster: No, go away!

Fabre: Right then.

Zegram: Well, here's the village.

Moban: GO AWAY!

Zegram: Well that went well.

Lugan: Leave! And whatever you do DO NOT go near the spring! You hear me? Don't go near the spring! Especially not today! You got that? Don't go near the spring! In case you forget, here is a post-it with the message reading "DO NOT go near the spring!". I've also taken the liberty of recording the message on VHS and DVD. You can check how the film was made by clicking "DO NOT go near the spring!, The making of". And one more thing, DO NOT go near the spring!

Jaster: Guys, I have this crazy idea…

AT THE SPRING…

Lilika: You ok Miri?

Miri: When I die, will I be able to see you?

Lilika: Well Miri, you're blind so you can't see me anyway…

Miri: Lilika?

Lilika: Yes?

Miri: Will you please get your boobs of my head? Their crushing me.

Zegram: Would you look at the local flavor? Mmmm… Tasty. Whatya think Jaster?

Jaster: I think that's a really weird question seeing as one of them is like… twelve.

Kisala: Let's ask them if they know where the village is.

Jaster: Woah! Is that a writing error in the game? We already went to the village!

Zegram: Don't go near them! You remember the torture scene in Casino Royal? They're **very** fond of it around here if you know what I mean...

Lilika: Who's there? *throws hatchet*

Jaster: Well you'll never find out if you kill us!

Lilika: What do you want?

Kisala: Fire fruit please?

Mud Whooper: Nom Nom *a tentacle shoots out of the water and grabs Miri*

Zegram: Ahh… tentacles. A sure sign that this shits bout to get real.

Kisala: *cuts Miri free, get grabbed* Oh should have seen that coming.

Mud Whooper: Don't worry, I'm not going to eat you, just flail you around for a little.

Jaster: Don't worry Kisala! Terry's ultimate muscles will save you!

Kisala: What?

Zegram: Do we have to?

Jaster: Wow! You're an asshole.

Zegram: I can't help it, someone has to be a grouchy ass, it's a JRPG.

Lilika: While you two argue, I'll just be hardcore awesome *kills Mud Whooper in awesome fashion*

Mud Whooper: What? I'm dead? I went through seven years of classical acting training and this is my entire role? *dies*

Lilika: You wanted to go into the village right? Fine, but be careful, they don't take kindly to strangers. *leaves*

Zegram: I believe I said that exact line when we arrived here like two hours ago.

Toady: Hey you guys!

Jaster: Not another talking animal…

Toady: Tacky I know, but I wasn't always this way… yes my life is a sad story…

Zegram: Oh yes, the sad story of a giant purple frog. Sounds like a Dreamworks movie to me.

Toady: Ever since I ate that orange goop I've been able to talk. Mother always said not to eat stuff off the ground but hey, look at me now!

Zegram: Orange goop? Must be Rune. It speeds up the process of evolution and turns stuff into beasts… how much do wanna bet that'll be important later?

Jaster: Can we leave please? This thing is disgusting.

Toady: *Eats Jaster's swords and makes a new one*

Jaster: O.o

Zegram: …What?

Jaster: LET'S KEEP HIM!

Kisala: A frog that can fuse weapons could be useful.

Zegram: WILL be useful

Jaster: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY, MAN!

**END CHAPTER 2**


	3. Chapter III: The Star God

_**CHAPTER III: The Star God**_

With the weapon fusing Toady in tow, Jaster Zegram and Kisala return to the village to see if they can now gain access…

Zegram: I can guarantee you guys that our troubles here ain't over. Something is gonna go-

Pale Villager: RAHHHHHH!

Jaster: What the-

Kisala: ZOMBIE!

Pale Villager: GAHHHHHH! *Dies*

Young Man: It's the effect of the Dark Fruit again… Bury him.

Jaster: Morbid.

Young Man: You guys are outsiders; you should know we don't take kindly to strangers.

Zegram: Alright, That's been said waaaaay too much now.

Darya: Qrann! The Chief wants to see you.

Jaster: Crayon?

Qrann: Qrann. Now if you don't mind, we're a little busy here. Go on, get.

Jaster: "Go on, get"? very intimidating Crayon.

Qrann: Qrann!

Kisala: So what do we do now? They won't let us in even though Lilika said we could.

Jaster: Screw Crayola, I'm going in.

Kisala: Well we do need the fire fruit, and we were told we could come…

Zegram: Let's just get the fruit and go.

Jaster: Hey, I wonder what's going on in that big important looking hut.

Kisala: That's where Qrann went.

Jaster: Crayon, Kisala.

Kisala: Uhh… right. Looks like some sort of community board meeting.

Jaster: I want to see!

Zegram: I don't know Jaster, they barely let us in earlier. Doesn't it seem like spying on them is over stepping our bounds a little?

Jaster: Shhh! I can't hear!

Darya: Before we begin I welcome everyone and thank you for coming on the account of the impending plague to this meeting on proper mask maintenance, spear throwing, and religious sacrifices. As you know the chicken breeders united union was on strike until yesterday when three of them were speared, dead. While this was not a favorable ending, I'm glad we put a stop to things before they became fowl.

Tribemembers: *applause*

Zegram: Oh come on… really?

Jaster: Nice delivery.

Darya: Now for our first order of business, the discussion to take action against the Dark Fruit. I would ask you all to sound very angry and desperate sounding. The floor is open.

Osteka: Thank you Darya. There is no time to lose Chief! You have to decide for the village!

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Darya: We'll have to turn to the Star God, you know how tribal gods work! They'll be making catastrophes, demanding sacrifices and appeasement… Do you want that?

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Osetka: We've already decided on a sacrifice! Why are you hesitating Chief? This will save the village!

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Jaster: This conversation is so one sided.

Osetka: The Dark Fruit is increasing even as we speak! I mean it's not like we couldn't just eat something else, but it's SO DAMN TASTY!

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Darya: Is that all you can say Chief?

Ugozi: **HMMM…**

Qrann: We can find another way! We don't have to sacrifice anyone!

Osetka: _BLASPHEMY!_

Darya: Listen Qrann, sacrificing is how we do things. What's life without the constant worry of being sacrificed to save your people?

Qrann: You can't sacrifice Miri! I LOVE HER!

Darya: Wha?

Osetka: _ILLEGAL!_

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Darya: Ok Qrann, she looks like she's what… twelve? That's just sick.

Kisala: They're gonna sacrifice Miri…

Lilika: What are you doing here?

Jaster: You INVITED us! Why is it no one knows about this?

Ugozi: Ah, Lilika, is the purification complete?

Lilika: Yeah I dumped that spring water on her head if that's what you mean.

Osetka: Oh, sure Chief! You talk to her!

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Osetka: God dammit! Alright we're sacrificing Miri tomorrow!

Darya: Apparently all that talk about no time to waist wasn't true if we can wait till tomorrow…

Ugozi: Actually… I'm Chief so I decide what we do-

Osetka: Shut up Chief!

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Jaster: There is drama up in here.

Qrann: You again? Didn't I tell you to "get"? Do not anger me, or I shall say "get" at you again!

Lilika: I told them they could come into the village, my fault.

Qrann: Damn right it's your fault! I'm gonna rant up a HUGE guilt trip for you that will just make it ultimately impossible for you do anything to help! See how counterproductive I am?

Jaster: Wow Crayon, you're a dick.

Qrann: **QRANN! MY NAME IS QRANN! SOUND IT OUT!**

Jaster: Qrann? Why not just spell it as "Cran"?

Qrann: Because names with Q and double consonants are traditional in Burkaqua! Got a problem with that?

Jaster: Why not just spell "Burkaqua" as Burcockwa?

Qrann: I. Hate. You.

Lilika: I just thought… you know, Miri's mother died and she's blind so maybe I could sacrifice her and people wouldn't miss her and she'd be put out her misery and stuff…

Zegram: What a bitch.

Lilika: It's the only way, we need the Star God's power to make things right again.

Jaster: Not to bash your religion or anything, but any god that demands killing somebody in payment for assistance makes me really appreciate being Catholic.

Zegram: Not to break up the conversation (even though that's exactly what I'm doing) but it looks like we're gonna be stuck here a while.

_**THAT NIGHT…**_

Kisala: Hey Jaster, want to go visit Miri?

Jaster: Not really, I'm getting bored with these emotionally trying cut-scenes.

Miri: But Lilika will get in trouble if I don't…

Qrann: Ok, let's weigh the outcomes here. Sister gets in trouble, your life ends. Now which sounds better?

Miri: But didn't she want me to be sacrificed?

Qrann: No she didn't! Even though I just TOTALLY called her out for that like 18 lines ago!

Kisala: This is horrible…

Jaster: This is good TV.

NEXT MORNING…

Miri: Well… I guess I'll be going now… to be sacrificed… Never to return… You know, I just get up and do this all time… this is… no problem.

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Qrann: BABY NO!

Lugan: For goodness sakes Qrann! There are plenty of other twelve year olds in the village!

Qrann: That's- not- GAHHH!

Miri: Goodbye, everybody  
I've got to go  
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth  
Mama, oooooooh… Anyway the wind blows…

Kisala: We gotta stop this!

Zegram: Hey Kisala, here's rationality talking: "Don't get involved; get the fire fruit and go." Wow, what a thoughtful guy right?

Kisala: But we have to do something, we're the heroes… Gasp! Jaster! You'll help!

Jaster: Damn… Almost got away there.

Zegram: Why? WHY? Jaster, ignore all emotions! Be a man for god sakes!

Jaster: Zegram, in the words of James Brown: "Can't do it! Can't do it! Can't do it!"

Zegram: Sigh… What this? A downed space ship?

Kisala: Says Daytron on the side.

Zegram: Daytron? They're supposed to be the best spaceship manufacturer in the galaxy. Strange that it crashed…

Jaster: Hey Zegram, what's this thing? *holds up a gun*

Zegram: You're Desert Claw, the most famous hunter in the galaxy. Shouldn't you know this stuff?

Jaster: …maybe?

Zegram: *sigh* That's a freeze shot. It'll freeze whatever you shoot. It's busted though and I doubt there is anyone on this planet who can fix it.

Sherio: Present! Just let me throw out this "warrior"

Qrann: How in the hell did I get beat up by you?

Sherio: I was about to ask you the same question! Get lost Tarzan!

Qrann: Grumble grumble… *leaves*

Zegram: How many of you tech freak exiles are there?

Sherio: You want a working Freeze Shot or not?

Jaster: Gimme! *freezes Sherio* whoops…

Kisala: Let's just leave before anyone notices…

Zegram: Ahh… you've finally done the rational yet cold hearted thing Kisala. I commend you.

Jaster: It looks like we can freeze this waterfall, but we still have to figure out how to climb it…

Kisala: Why not use the monography shot?

Jaster: WHAT? How come we couldn't use it to get past that statue earlier? Why do I need to freeze the waterfall to make platforms in the air? WHAT DA EFFFFFFFFF?

Kisala: Jaster can we move on please?

Jaster: Right, sorry. Hey where's Zegram?

Zegram: Yeah so they're totally unaware that I'm a double agent and I probably should be talking softer into this cell phone but they won't hear me. They're too busy being "noble".

Kisala: There's Miri!

Jaster: How did she get up here without the freeze shot?

Lilika: Why are you here? You're ruining everything!

Jaster: I'm starting to get the feeling that you really don't care about your sister

Lilika: Of course I care about her! It's just that… In our village it's… it's against our…

Jaster: Yuh huh, all I hear is johns, Lilika.

Kisala: Johns?

Lilika: The Star God approaches!

Individer: *slobber*

Jaster: Uhh… that's your god? A giant spider made of wet noodles?

Lilika: No! That's the beast that killed my mother and attacked Miri!

Jaster: Oh so this probably a very awkward meeting for all of us then.

Lilika: DIE!

Jaster: Taking on the Star God, ah the sacreligion...

Kisala: Sacreligion isn't a word Jaster it's sacrilegious.

Jaster: What's that Kisala? Sorry I was busy freezing this boss.

Individer: *spews dark fruit at Miri, then dies*

Lilika: Oh shi-

Qrann: Don't worry baby! Crayon's got ya!

Jaster: Qrann!

Qrann: Uh… right!

Miri: My hero!

Zegram: Oh, the melodrama of it all. We did get rid of the dark fruit though.

Kisala: "We"? Where were you?

Zegram: Well I'd like to explain but-

Ugozi: Treachery against the Star God?

Osetka: UNFORGIVABLE!

Ugozi: Lilika, you are hereby banished from this village.

Lilika: Alright, see you later.

Qrann: But that wasn't the Star God!

Darya: But people need to think it was, they need hope or there would be chaos.

Qrann: What is this? Final Fantasy X? The atheists seem to be doing fine!

Darya: Do you know any atheists Qrann?

Qrann: Well… theres uh…

Darya: Exactly.

Kisala: You sir, are horrible! Where were you when we needed you Zegram?

Zegram: Doing the rational thing of course, it's what we badass loner types do.

Kisala: You mean, you got the booster oil?

Zegram: No no! Don't thank me all at once. You'll only inflate my ego.

Lilika: Jaster, my contract for this game says I'm to come with you now. Though I don't exactly know why.

Jaster: It's the RPG favor syndrome. We saved you, now you're a slave to our party… FOREVER!

Miri: Come back soon Lilika…

Qrann: She was banished Miri.

Osetka: So is it time for your powerful speech about how Lilika will change the planet, Chief?

Ugozi: Hmmm…

Osetka: Uh huh, yeah. Thought so.

END CHAPTER 3


	4. Chapter IV: The Great Escape

**Alright, I know all four of you reading this have been DYING to know what's going to happen to Jaster and company, and guess what? THE TIME TO FIND OUT IS COME. Is come? Whatever. Revision was the name of the game I was playing with this chapter, trying to make the lines flow as if people were actually saying them. I doubt I succeeded but I do feel better about this chapter. There's a little author's corner at the bottom of this chapter for those possibly confused on some of the jokes or events. When one writes a parody while looking ONLY at the source material's script, one tends to write without images in mind. You still reading this? The real entertainment is right below, in the next EXCITING(loosely used word) chapter-**

* * *

_**CHAPTER IV: The Great Escape**_

Simon: Jaster! The engines running fine thanks t' you!

Zegram: What? He didn't do jack shit! I'm the one who made the booster oil!

Jaster: Saaaaaalty.

Steve: Yeah quit being jealous Zegram.

Zegram: I'll turn you into an oscillating fan, bolt head.

Moonsha: Now, we head to Zerard and renew our galactic travel visa.

Jaster: Wow, even this futuristic society has driving laws. Don't forget to signal before you jump into hyper space.

Moonsha: I'm guessing you thought that was terribly clever?

Jaster: Clever is my second cousin's daughter's middle name. Thank you, I'll be here all week.

Moonsha: So will my hernia... wait we used this bit of dialogue already.

Jaster: To Zerard!

*On the planet Zerard...*

Valkog: Well Norma, I believe it is time to show everyone how totally NOT evil we are.

Norma: Yes sir.

Valkog: I mean look at me, a fat purple bathroom squeaky toy, how NOT evil is that?

Norma: NOT evil at all sir.

Man on Hologram: Ma'am, we have the tablet, and I would just like to report on how totally NOT evil any of you are.

Norma: Very good, dismissed.

Man on Hologram: Thank you ma'am.

Norma: Our totally prolonged and convoluted, but NOT at all evil plan is proceeding quite nicely.

Valkog: Did you say our plan was evil?

Norma: Not at all sir.

Valkog: Good, because our evil plan is definitely not evil at all.

Norma: I think you meant our PLAN is not evil at all, soon to be evil emperor of the galaxy sir... Umm, wait what did i sa-

Valkog: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Steve: We're here. Zerard

Moonsha: Right! We'll proceed with our new mission-

Jaster: Don't even try to sugar-coat this errand running, Moonshine.

Moonsha: Jaster! Thank you for volunteering for this assignment!

Jaster: Damn it.

Lilika: I'll go too, I want to experience the most technologically advanced planet in the galaxy for myself. I want to find out what those "urinal" things I've been hearing about are.

Simon: Ey' lemmie come along too, this is my home town after awl. I'd make a great tour guide.

Jaster: Short, loud, annoying, foreign, you're a natural.

Moonsha: Good luck you three!

Jaster: Good luck? All we're doing is re-newing a visa. By the way, are we even allowed to be here with an expired visa?

Simon: For a few days, yep.

Jaster: Well, aren't we the law abiding pirates. So this is Zerard, the most technologically advanced planet… *air horn* Oww! What was that?

Simon: This is an RPG moment! In every RPG there is always one character that is completely clueless and needs everything explained to him. That would be you! In this way, the player o' said game learns with y'.

Jaster: Oh.

Simon: There's the Galaxy Corporation right down the way. The Daytron Factory, and Rosencaster Prison.

Jaster: Of all the places in this huge city you could name the first things you think of are a factory and a prison?

Simon: Well I thought I'd skip the obvious places because you've probably heard of them in your travels, right Mr. Claw?

Jaster: HAHA! Rosencaster Prison… Good times. Good times.

Lilika: Ughh… This city smells awful, wait, no it's just that shark with a back-pack.

Simon: Ahh… the smell of industrial waste, broken dreams and disintegrating ozone. It's good to be home! Everybody sing with me! I WANT TO BE A PART OF IT, ZERARD, ZERARD!

MIO: Welcome to the Galaxy Corporation!

Jaster: Hey hey! It's Bubbles from Power Puff Girls!

MIO: Oh, I'm sooo sorry! The Galaxy Corporation has, like, temporarily suspended visa renewals! Boo hoo!

Jaster: How'd you know I was gonna ask that?

Lilika: What'ya mean suspended? We aren't hanging!

Jaster: What?

MIO: Uh, in case you haven't noticed, we've had a bit of a small problem, okay? Everyone, like, knows this already.

Lilika: Then why don't I know it? (slams hand on table)

MIO: OMGZOMGLOLROFLCOPTER

Lilika: Stop talking in txt you acronym bitch!

Henry: Look it's MIO!

Robert: My touch myself at night stalker life has been made!

MIO: I'm such an attention whore I don't even care that you're pervs!

MIO+Henry+Robert: KAWAII!

Lilika: What'ya mean kawaii? We aren't playing piano!

*pause, no seriously stop reading for a second. Deep breath, think about it... ok, read now*

Jaster: Da fuck Lilika?

Lilika: Kawaii is Japanese for cute, and Kawai is a piano brand.

Jaster: Oh… Good pun there.

MIO: KAWAII!

Lilika: Quit foolin around I'ma shank you MIA!

Jaster: Must be that time of the month for Lilika.

*EXPLOSION, Longuardian soldiers arrive*

MIO: Eeeeeeek! You're a crazy person! Hey troops, taze the crazy person!

Simon: Oh no! It's the PO-lice!

Jaster: I don't think PO-lice sounds so funny with a Scottish accent.

MIO: Eww, go away you sick freaks. It's so great we have Rosencaster Prison or there would be all kinds of scantily clad weirdo Amazonian women running around!

Lilika: What'ya mean scantily clad?

Zegram: *holding a grenade* Oh what a comedy of errors this be.

*Inside Rosencaster Prison*

Lilika: I'm not scantily clad…

Jaster: Not in anime.

Rosencaster: I am Alekt Rosencaster, warden of this prison.

Jaster: Alekt? Is the "t" really necessary?

Rosencaster: SILENCE! Do you know who I am?

Jaster: …Alekt Rosencaster?

Rosencaster: That's right, and you are suspicious looking.

Simon: That's a rather crass judgment, Alekt.

Rosencaster: Do you know who I am?

Simon: …The warden?

Rosencaster: That's right! I was told you are criminals, Draxian spy war criminals… who are also ninjas. So, you blew up the visa renewal place huh? Well I can't say I blame you, I hate waiting in line too.

Simon: We were at the front…

Jaster: Simon! You're incriminating yourself! Plead the fifth! PLEAD THE FIFTH!

Rosencaster: Do you have anything to say about this explosion?

Lilika: What'ya mean explosion? That wasn't Voltorb!

Jaster: Would you believe spontaneous combustion?

Simon: IT WAS JASTER!

Rosencaster: No? Very well, but don't worry, I run this prison with an ironly corrupt fist and your subjection to torture and hair product testing shall greatly benefit life as we know it.

Jaster: Heh heh, corruption… where would society be without you?

Rosencaster: Lock um' up!

*LOCKED UP*

Lilika: It won't be easy to escape from this place.

Jaster: Already thinking of escape? I don't think the guard even locked the door yet.

Simon: We are dead, man! We are so dead! The system is broken man!

Mysterious Prisoner: Hey, you guys wanna get out?

Jaster: Simon, you can have a hilarious and lame meltdown after we get out of here! Now help me get out of here, there's another talking cat.

Mysterious Prisoner (is also a cat): They don't even notice me…

*Henry and Robert talk*

muffinmonkeys: Normally I'd rewrite a scene to make it funny, but these guys are pretty darn hilarious already. I would not do them justice, just look.

ORIGINAL LINES:

Henry : R-R-Robert! C-C-Check it out, MIO's changed into her j-j-jammies!

Robert: Ooh...what kind of dreams will you have tonight, MIO my sweet? If I could only be your blanket...

Henry : Ooh...what would I give to be your pillow for just one fluffy, cuddly night.

END ORIGINAL LINES

Jaster: How do they expect people to keep playing this game with crap like that going down?

Mysterious Prisoner: And here we go…

Wusho: We apologize for the delay, we were on the can *opens cell door*.

Jaster: We?

Mysterious Prisoner: Coming kid?

Jaster: What? Are you breaking out?

...

Mysterious Prisoner: Yes.

Jaster: Cool, let's dip.

Lilika: Wait, I hear something.

JASTER: Wait? Lilika, escaping from a prison usually merits running the hell away.

Lilika: Someone's in that cell…

Jaster: It's a prison, good observation.

Protobeast: Rarararrr!

Jaster: Hey, it's a thing!

Simon: You're right!

Protobeast: Yipe! *dead*

Jaster: Now it's dead.

Guard: Sir, our human light bulb experiment is showing promising results.

Rosencaster: How many watts are in him?

Guard: OVER NINE-THOUSAND!

Rosencaster: Hit him with more! He can't be dead yet!

Prisoner: *Dead*

Rosencaster: Damn it! Bring in the next prisoner!

Guard: But sir, we'll need permission from the higher ups to-

Rosencaster: Permission? Do you know who I am?

Guard: YOU'RE THE WARDEN SIR!

Rosencaster: Do you have any balls?

Guard: I DO NOT SIR!

Rosencaster: That's right! Now bring in the next prisoner!

Simon: Look, It's the beast we fought on Rosa!

Jaster: WE fought?

Lilika: At least their keen to recycle here, heaven knows how terrible this city planet's environment is.

Simon: This patch of grass brought to you by Jaster's big aaaaaasssssssssssssssssssssss Salamander fertilizer.

Henry: Alright, time to clean the garbage!

Robert: Hey did ya hear about Rosencaster?

Henry: Hard not to, he's kinda big and loud.

Robert: Did ya hear he's really a pansy ass tragic villain who's wife died and we should all feel for?

Henry: Like you're one to talk about that.

Robert: No comment

Jaster: They're not looking let's go-

Lilika: Wait!

Jaster: God Lilika, you're like a prison break cock block.

Norma: Alright, crossing giant ass salamander off the list of viable boss options…

Jaster: Her boobs are uh… They got targets on them.

Lilika: Jaster…

Jaster: Don't even talk, you flaunt them too.

Lilika: Whaddaya mean flaunt? This isn't-

Jaster: Save it.

Rosencaster: Oh my darling… oh my darling…

Norma: Oh god, stop that before I'm forced to feel for you.

Rosencaster: That won't happen, not with this overly clichéd guilt speech about my wife Claudia I had prepared before your entrance. You remember Claudia? She used to make the best chicken Kiev…

Guard: Sir! Urgent news!

Rosencaster: How dare you interrupt my musing! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Guard: Sir we can continue this running gag later, we killed Osama bin Laden!

Rosencaster: fffffffffffffffffffffffFUCK YEA!

Guard: And the level 4 prisoners have escaped!

Rosencaster: fffffffffffffffffffffffFUCK NO! How dare they? DO THEY KNOW WHO I AM?

Norma: Apparently not.

Rosencaster: Artificial human soldiers.

Norma: …What?

Rosencaster: I can't sit and chat I've got escapees to clobber.

Simon: I think I saw an episode o' "Fringe" like this once.

Lilika: Look at all the naked men.

Simon: You had to add in the naked part didn't ya?

Jaster: What's going on? What are they doing in this place?

Simon: Jaster, there is no other way t' describe ur character than the walking embodiment of all the questions everyone has going through their head they don't ask aloud.

Mysterious Prisoner: Artificial Human Soldiers

Simon: …What?

Rosencaster: *chokes MP* Quite.

Mysterious Prisoner: You're supposed to grab me by the scruff, idiot!

Lilika: *Shoots arrow, hits Rosencaster in the shoulder, he drops MP*

Rosencaster: Grr… I'LL CRUSH YOU

*Jaster and company win the fight*

Rosencaster: I… I will never forgive you for this!

Jaster: Well I'll forgive myself I can assure you.

Mysterious Prisoner: Rosencaster, It's not too late. Return to the light…

*Sirens*

Simon: The 5-0! Run for it!

Rosencaster: Maybe it IS time I turn over a new leaf. I'll give up these twisted experiments, and end the corruption in this dump. I'll… I'll donate to the church! Open that frozen lemonade stand I always wanted. Yeah I think tomorrow everyone's gonna know a new me!

Norma: You're fired *Shoots Rosencaster*

Simon: We escaped prison! That as easier than I thought, no wonder all the movie stars can do it.

Lilika: Don't queue the victory theme just yet.

*Police arrive*

Mysterious Prisoner: Don't worry their friends of mine.

Jaster: Friends who threw you in jail.

Soldier: Are you hurt sir?

Mysterious Prisoner: I was such a stupid old man for falling for their tricks, getting thrown in jail like that.

Soldier: That didn't answer my question sir, best stop taking chloroform from strangers.

Mysterious Prisoner: You said it. And for a little foreshadowing, Daytron is involved somehow.

Soldier: Daytron?

Jaster: We're here too! Include us!

Mysterious Prisoner: You know you have great skill, but honor also. You're like a professional basketball player, but with honor. Handshake?

Jaster: Ok

Mysterious Prisoner: Now watch your back pirate. *flys off*

Jaster: Well, if that wasn't a proverbial joy buzzer.

Simon: Well, it's all water in the loch now! What's say we go get our visa renewed now?

Jaster: Ah, good idea, go back to the bitch who jailed us (let this sentence be noted with a huge dose of text sarcasm).

Lilika: And shiv her in the throat!

Simon: Oh dear, you're all so violent.

Jaster: Says the midget with the flamethrower and rocket launcher…

Banarge: WAR TIME JARGON!

Simon: Well knock me dead with a feather duster-

Jaster + Lilika: Da fuck?

Simon: It's admiral Banarge!

Jaster: Who's he?

Simon: Not important.

Jaster: Really? Why's he on the jumbotron then?

Simon: Not to ruin this game's captivating plot or anything, but he'll never be important again. Neither will this war thing really.

Jaster: Captivating plot? What game are you playing?

Simon: Hey you're having a good time aren't you?

Jaster: Yes!

Simon: Then who the hell cares about plot?

Zegram: Rosencaster… all this for love…

muffinmonkeys: Hey everybody hows it hanging? I really hate rewriting emotional scenes into comedic ones. I always find it difficult to ruin those situations in just the right way. So what's up? The ceiling? Aren't you clever. Still got the runs? Yeah, that was a wicked party last night, ramen noodles everywhere. So yesterday I was playing this old computer game backyard football and I realized "Hey! They are playing at a park! Not a backyard!" that's false advistising. It should be called Peewee football, because the only thing BETTER than WATCHING Peewee football is PLAYING it. Plus, who plays with regulation rules when playing any sport in their backyard? I always told people if they touched the tree which was first base on the wrong side they would have to give me their pokemon cards and do a truffle shuffle. Did I say football? I meant beisbol (that's baseball in Spanish jajajaja). So currently I have that choir song from Civilization IV in my head and it's great. The song I mean. What song's in your head? Katy Perry's Peacock? You dirty boy/girl. Last week I cleaned this part of my room I hadn't in years and I'm very excited cuz my room looks a million times bigger now. It's great. Do you like cake? Good, most people do, so here's the opening speech from Shakespeare's "As You Like It" by Orlando (I like that name, not the elf guy though, but admittedly Pirates 4 needed him. Jack can't carry a whole movie alone believe it or not. There has to be Will and Kiera Hotly too so that you can have a serious part for your story. Oh yeah the speech. Sorry I keep getting sidetracked. I wonder where that term comes from? Sidetracked. I feel like it has to do with dog racing, when they look at the bunny after they come in first in a big race. There's no pun that's just what comes to mind. Oh shoot, did it again, sidetracked I mean): As I remember, Adam, it was upon this fashion bequeathed me by will but poor a thousand crowns, and, as thou sayest, charged my brother, on his blessing, to breed me well: and there begins my sadness. My brother Jaques he keeps at school, and report speaks goldenly of his profit: for my part, he keeps me rustically at home, or, to speak more properly, stays me here at home unkept; for call you that keeping for a gentleman of my birth, that differs not from the stalling of an ox? His horses are bred better; for, besides that they are fair with their feeding, they are taught their manage, and to that end riders dearly hired: but I, his brother, gain nothing under him but growth; for the which his animals on his dunghills are as much bound to him as I. So sorry, have to interject for a minute, just wanted to say I'm sorry for whatever came between, I love you and I always will. I realize I may be coming on as strong but those are my feelings and not admitting to them would be like lying to myself. I love you chicken sandwich. Hey, are you reading my love note? You fiend! Stop starring will you? You make a fella feel all tingly. What do you mean "who is your chicken sandwich? I love A chicken sandwich that's not a nickname. Who would name their girl chicken sandwich? The burger king? Sheeeeesh. Besides this nothing that he so plentifully gives me, the something that nature gave me his countenance seems to take from me: he lets me feed with his hinds, bars me the place of a brother, and, as much as in him lies, mines my gentility with my education. This is it, Adam, that grieves me; and the spirit of my father, which I think is within me, begins to mutiny against this servitude: I will no longer endure it, though yet I know no wise remedy how to avoid it. But yeah, I'm almost done cleaning up that ramen I was talking about. I put some in a bowl with crackers. Does anyone else eat crackers with ramen? Or is it just me? I guess that comes from originally being a soup man. I loved soup. Hold up, just got a text from Devon. He probably thinks his phone is broken cuz I haven't been responding but I really just don't want to hang out with him. As much as I LOVE philosophical waxing on the hotness of Terra in Final Fantasy Dissidia, I have other things to do. That was sarcasm by the way. I don't like to wax and I don't think Terra's hot nor do I have a thing for any video game character. There are some good looking ones though. You ever played Strip Calibur IV? Oh sorry, SOUL Calibur. Anyway, I gotta go, there are some Buddhist monks who want to beat me with towels dipped in oriental flavoring for ramen noodles. Long story.

Zegram: This time, don't let her go…

END CHAPTER

* * *

**AUTHOR'S CORNER**

**So now I would like take further time out of your busy lives (I know, I know, so many RoxasXAxel stories to read :P) to answer one or two unquestioned questions cuz we authors just love to give everyone the know on what is going on in our jumbled little brains.**

**I interloped many of the lines from the actual game into the script for all the chapters, this was because most of the humor of this parody comes from playing off a bad line. This is why the characters all make smarmy about what other people say and then proceed to have something stupid they spout turned on them.**

**Why do Rosencaster and Banarge both randomly say artificial human soldiers? In the game, Valkog needs to later create an artificial human, however he never has a use or ever again mentions the "army of artificial soldiers" Rosencaster is supposedly creating, making 90% of this prison segment of the game random and unnecessary in the plot, much like the aforementioned random line.**

**Osama bin Laden was killed during the rewriting of this chapter. In case you couldn't tell. I promise the next chapter won't take months. Maybe just one... or two... or...**


	5. The Rogue Galaxy Thing

Hello ya'll, it's been an awful while since there's been anything happening in this story… UNTIL NOW OF COURSE THAT IS IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL BY THIS NEW CHAPTER THING!

This silly little spoof known as "The Greatest Game No One's Played" has been transformed into a Youtube series and will from now on be released over there. We're not talking "reader's theater" neither, we're talking real video web-series. With episodes going to span 20+ minutes using footage from the game and even mini videos/commercial breaks it's not just a script anymore. For those who have enjoyed the series up to this point I thank you and hope you like the now dubbed "Rogue Galaxy Thing" on Youtube.

Here's the link for the first episode, an episode a month is my plan for it takes much work for everything to come together: watch?v=ED82KkPR4lM

Thanks for reading,

Have a happy!

-muffinmonkeys


End file.
